I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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