i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
