I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
