I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
