"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
