hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
