so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
