Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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