Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
