This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
