The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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