She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
