i just snorted my name. best moment ever
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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