honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
