tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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