you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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