do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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