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Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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