apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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