Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
