even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
