Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
