JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
