Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
