shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
