When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
