2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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