toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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