Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
