I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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