as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
