i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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