I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
