Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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