Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
