I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
