There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
