fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
