Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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