I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
