I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
