My first STD was from a foam party
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
