My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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