I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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