When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
