there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
