is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
