My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Semen is not good for contacts.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
