My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
being pregnant is like rehab
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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