Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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