Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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