That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
