I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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