one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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