is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
