just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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