Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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