Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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