I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
